Professionally Successful and Still Stuck

From the outside, my life probably looks pretty put together. I work in software development, have taken on responsibility, and have achieved a lot professionally that I can be proud of. Even so, I have long felt that I am not really moving forward in some important areas of my life.

For years, I have wanted to make videos, share my thoughts, and become more visible. I have spent just as long finding reasons to put it off. This channel is my attempt to break that pattern.

My First PC and Big Plans

Computers fascinated me even as a child. Using old hardware that no one needed anymore, I built my first PC. There was not much money to spare, but I had big ideas about what might one day be possible.

My parents worked hard to give us a good life. One day, I wanted to give something back and make the most of the opportunities they had created for me. The determination was there. But even then, there was often a pretty big gap between wanting to do something and actually doing it.

At school, I got by for a long time without having to put in much effort. It felt comfortable, but at the same time, it taught me a bad habit: As long as things somehow work out, I do not really have to deal with unpleasant tasks.

Almost Ten Years for a Bachelor's Degree

After school, I started a dual-study program. For the first time, relying on my talent was no longer enough. Instead of preparing for the exams, I found reasons why the degree program, the place, or the situation was not right for me. I dropped out and later started over.

After almost ten years, my bachelor's degree is still unfinished. There is not much left to do. That is exactly what sometimes makes it feel even more absurd: The task is manageable, yet it remains unfinished.

For years, I told myself that I simply did not have time for it. That was not entirely wrong, but it was not the whole truth either. Work was important and demanding. For me, however, it was often also a socially acceptable form of procrastination. After all, if you work 50 or 60 hours, you do not have to justify letting other things fall by the wayside.

While My Bachelor's Degree Remained Unfinished

Professionally, things went much better than they did at university. My career began at a startup, where I worked as a developer and gradually took on more responsibility. Eventually, I moved from technical work into leadership. Since then, I have guided teams, hired people, and built projects.

This growth showed me what I was capable of. But it also helped me avoid looking at the unresolved issues in my life for a long time. As long as my career kept moving forward, I could tell myself that I was obviously on the right path.

Over time, the price became clearer. Work took up more and more space. One intense period gave way to the next, and there was always another important project waiting. Even when things went well, I did not automatically feel calm or content.

Good Work Does Not Always Speak for Itself

Back then, I believed that performance alone should be enough. If the work is good, others will notice it. If an idea makes sense, it will prevail. If you work hard enough, recognition will come on its own.

That is not always how it works. Eventually, I realized that my biggest limitation was not my technical ability but my communication. I found it difficult to talk about my work, share my thoughts early, and put myself out there with unfinished ideas.

This is not limited to work. I had wanted to make videos for years. The topics and ideas were there, and I even had some experience making small edits when I was younger. Still, I always found a reason to wait a little longer: no proper concept, too little time, not yet good enough on camera.

What My ADHD Diagnosis Helped Explain

My ADHD diagnosis helped me understand some patterns better. It explains why I can immerse myself in an interesting task for hours yet barely get started on a manageable but important one. It has also helped me understand some of my procrastination.

But an explanation does not make the choice for me. I still have to find ways to use my energy more wisely. I do not want every thought and every free hour to go into the next sprint at work.

I have seen in another area of my life that change is possible. At one point, I weighed around 125 kilograms. I am now under 100. I am proud of that, not because it suddenly solves everything, but because this progress is real and did not just happen in my head.

Starting Before Everything Is Figured Out

I have a good life and many reasons to be grateful. At the same time, I want to stop using gratitude as a reason not to pursue things I want for myself.

On this channel, I do not want to present myself as the finished version of who I am. I do not have all the answers or a perfect plan. Instead, I want to capture my thoughts, make progress visible, and learn to speak more freely about the things on my mind.

Maybe that will sometimes mean work, technology, or communication. Maybe it will mean procrastination, health, or the question of how to regain confidence in yourself. For now, I just do not want these thoughts to stay buried in notes and unfinished projects.

I still do not know exactly what will come of it. If no one watches at first, I will still have practiced speaking freely and lost another excuse.

For now, this is enough: The recording is done, the edit is finished, and I am hitting Publish.