Why I Am Afraid to Record Myself

The selfie stick stayed in the car. I had brought it with me, but the thought of carrying it through a supermarket full of other people made me uncomfortable. So I went inside without it. I recorded anyway.

I have been putting off YouTube for a long time. It is not because I lack topics or the desire to make videos. What stops me is the question of what other people will think when they see me with a camera or watch the result later.

Fear at the Supermarket

At the supermarket, that fear became very specific. I almost left, even though there was very little at stake. Someone might look at me for a moment. Someone might think the video is embarrassing. That is probably the extent of it.

Knowing this does not make the uncomfortable feeling disappear. Still, it helps to ask: What is the worst thing that could actually happen? Once I look for a concrete answer, the situation feels smaller than it did in my head.

With Other People, I Notice the Courage First

A friend of ours started making Shorts for her business. When I saw one of her videos, I didn't think it was embarrassing. My first thought was that it was brave and pretty cool that she was willing to do it.

That made me notice a contradiction. When someone else tries something, I notice their courage. When I imagine doing the same thing myself, I expect judgment. There is no guarantee that everyone will respond kindly. But perhaps many people will see me the way I saw my friend: far less critically than I fear.

Hopefully that's true.

The First Attempt Can Be Awkward

My first videos will probably look awkward in places. I haven't had much practice speaking freely to a camera or filming myself while other people are nearby. There is no reason the first attempt should already look natural.

My goal is not to look confident immediately. I want to publish one video every day and try to make each one a little better than the last. I don't know yet whether I can maintain that pace. The direction is still clear: record, watch, learn something, and record again.

Not Playing a Role

While editing, I noticed that I might look uninterested in a few places. My first reaction was to wonder how I could appear more animated or entertaining. At the same time, I don't want to invent a personality for my videos that has little to do with who I am.

I want to speak more clearly and with more confidence. That's different from playing a role. By recording regularly, I hope to understand that boundary better.

This video doesn't prove that my fear was irrational and has now disappeared. I felt it in the supermarket, while speaking, and probably while publishing the video too. The only difference is that this time I made a recording anyway.

The selfie stick was still in the car. That was fine for this attempt. I recorded anyway. I don't know whether I will manage to upload every day or whether every video will really be better than the last. If not, that's okay too.